P200 Van 1 – Balls to the Walls

The plan was to meet at  BallJoint’s place at 2:45am and head out 3am. At 3:01 still no BallJoint, he finally showed and we left at 3:15am for the adventure ahead, 206.7 miles over the next 30 so hours.  Our start time for the F3Gashouse Coconut Horses was 5:45am in Lexington, SC just outside of Columbia.

Van 1 – AKA: The Folsom Hammers consisted of:

A Commander of the USS Enterprise – Shatner – our Chauffeur/companion runner

A somewhat professional welder – Sparky – Navigator/companion runner

A Dookie professional and part time concrete guy – RoundUp

A ‘used’ tool saleman / snap on guy – GearWrench

A bone marrow eating/bone broth drinking – no Carb animal – Wichita

A master of words / medical selling machine – Bedpan

A 6:40 pacer / race car driving / part time mechanic – BallJoint

A cool Star Wars worm/pit guy – YHC Sarlacc

The first 2 hours driving to the start location consisted of various stories from Sparky and Shatner’s vasectomies to Bedpan’s Strip club with his mom to RoundUp’s, you guessed it, dookie stories to Sparky’s WWJD store (yes, What Would Jesus Do).

So a little in site to the stories:

Sparky and Shatner both shared stories from the vasectomies and were talking about the problems they experienced from it. Sparky claims that he took pictures and sent pictures of his ‘Grapefruit’ size balls.

Bedpan shared with us a story about how he and his mom were invited to go to a Strip club together…….did it happen? you ask The Pan.

RoundUp the only one of us to take a pooh in the woods while at an exchange zone, yes there was port a potties but he said he couldn’t make it that far. His Dookie balls story is a classic. Him and his dad, Hacksaw in a public restroom and Hacksaw blows out some ‘dookie balls’ and they come running under the stall to RoundUp. Follow up that one with either HIM.

Sparky shared a story about him in his young foolish days with some of his friends and the Cops show up. His buddy gets shoved up against their Jeep by the officer. His buddy sees the officer has a WWJD bracelet on and his buddy says to the officer, “Sir, Jesus would not have shoved me that hard against that Jeep.” Office says, sorry. The real question I know are asking, Did Sparky go to jail that nigh? You ask him.

After laughing so hard at all the stories, Shatner or Oh Shat, landed the USS Enterprise at The Launching Pad for the start of the Race around 5am. We collected all of the race collateral and the waiting began for the 5:45 am start.

Leg 1: BedPan lead the team off with 6.77 miler and had 3 kills. While BedPan was out, RoundUp informed us that we has going to run the Leg 2 (10.52 miles) as a warm up for his Leg 3.

Leg 2: Wichita/RoundUp ran 10.52 miles with 2 kills.

Leg 3: RoundUp/Sparky ran 3.32 miles with 0 kills.

Leg 4: BallJoint ran 4.52 miles with 5 kills at 6:40 pace fyi he drank a beer after his leg

Leg 5: GearWrench ran 7.64 miles with 2 kills.

Leg 6: YHC Sarlacc ran 6.29 miles with 0 kills.

We had exchange with Van 2 at this point and headed off to get some well deserved grub. If you are ever in the Santee Area, check our Lone Start BBQ – fantastic food and neat area. After getting our bodies full we headed to rest a little at the next Van exchange at Lake Marion. I look up and what do my eyes see, a  Chippendales model in ranger panties in Lake Marion. Yes, Wichita is standing in 60 degree water and all of a sudden goes under. He comes back and talks RoundUp, Bedpan and GearWrench to join him. If you are a Facebook person, go to RoundUp’s page and see the Live video he did, worth the laugh. We later were informed by the park ranger who stopped by to say hi to us, that they have some 16 ft alligators in the water and they live in a pond just feet away from where our boys are getting some Cold Water Therapy.

By far, our biggest treat was the arrival to this exchange zone from a Giant Penguin, Big Pappy made the 2 plus hour drive to just to come see us and give us encouragement. He is a true HIM.

It’s finally time for the exchange from Van 2 back to us for our 2nd legs.

Leg 13: BedPan ran 3.53 miles with 2 kills.

Leg 14: Wichita ran 5.51 miles with 1 kill.

Leg 15: RoundUp ran 8.85 miles with 5 kills at 7:35 pace

Leg 16: BallJoint ran 7.42 miles with 2 kills at 7:40 pace he drank a beer after his leg

Leg 17: GearWrench ran 2.45 miles with 0 kills

Leg 18: YHC Sarlacc/Shatner ran 9.68 miles with 0 kills

We had our 2nd exchange with Van 2 and tried to find some much needed food. It was close to midnight and Waffle House is usually the only thing open. We tried 2 different Waffle Houses that told us they were closed or taking online orders only. We headed to a gas station to get some petro and trash food from inside to hold us over. We then headed to the next van exchange zone to try to get some much needed rest. Let the snoring begin. Oh my word, never in my life have I heard anyone snore as loud as Bedpan. He was in the back part of the van that is separated by a wall and he was shaking the windows. Wichita and Sparky were outside on the ground in 40 degree weather. YHC got 0, that is ZERO sleep. I need my CPAP and just can’t sleep without it.

The time came for us to make our way to get the slap bracelet from Van 2 and get our 3rd and final legs underway.

Leg 25: BedPan ran 2.43 miles with 1 kill.

Leg 26: Wichita ran 3.78 miles with 0 kills.

Leg 27: RoundUp ran 7.53 miles with 3 kills at 7:40 pace

Leg 28: BallJoint ran 8.08 miles with 3 kills at 7:39 pace he drank a beer after his leg

Leg 29: GearWrench/Sparky ran 4.59 miles with 0 kills

Leg 30: YHC Sarlacc ran 3.46 miles with 0 kills

We handed the slap bracelet off to Van 2 for the last time and headed to Cracker Barrel for some much need food. We eat everything in sight. We even had the Zero Carb man (Wichita) eat half a jelly biscuit with butter. After eating we heading to the finish line to wait for Van 2 to arrive. Once we see Freight coming, we join in for the last 100 yards or so and cross the finish line together. We stood around for a while and some had a few beers and a few tacos and brats. We took a great picture and headed to the hotel to check in and get ready for dinner.

YHC suggested one of my favorite Charleston locations for dinner, Page’s Okra Grill in Shim Creek. After dinner several guys hung the lobby to watch a little NCAA basketball while others headed to the rooms for rest.

It was an amazing race and I had the honor and privilege of being the Captain for the team. Special thanks to Shatner for driving Van 1.

I’m Sarlacc and I’m Out, until the next one……….May the force be with you…….