Dam 2 Dam: 2 P or not 2 P?

The Coconut Horse is the original Sunday morning running AO, the grandaddy if you will. Some of the regular PAX formed a six-man team and entered the Dam to Dam relay on February 26th. What is the Dam to Dam you wonder? The Dam to Dam Relay is a 100k road race that consist of 12 legs ranging from 3 to 7.8 miles each. Roscoe served as our Q to submit sand-bag pace times and delegate responsibilities. Stroganoff secured what was supposed to be a comfortable 15 passenger van but settled for a 12-seat van that evidently had the shocks removed. JJ got snacks, Whoopee Gatoraid, with Defib getting water and I got beer (and backblast responsibilities). Many of you have been a part of the traditional 12-man weekend relays but this one operates on a shorter time frame. The proximity to Columbia, SC puts the real question for the group: get up early and drive 90 minutes or spend the night in a hotel? I’ve done it both ways and it really amounts to 2 hours of sleep – you either lose it on the drive down or attempt to get it in uncomfortable hotel. Because Roscoe declared this as a CSAUP and all CSAUPs require sacrifice – we opted for the stay at home 2:30 am wake-up call. Silently gathering at Stroganoffs for a 3 am launch. Normally I would be the late arrival, but I set multiple alarms. This morning the normally punctual Defib was slightly delayed to an early deposit. This would become a theme for our day.

Without any stops, Stroganoff gets us to Lake Murray at 5:00 am, plenty of time for Whoopee to get loose as Runner #1. A few guys drop deuces in the port-a-jon likely due to nervous energy creating havoc in our guts. We meet with the Burly Sebastions, Team #2 from Gastonia with Flintstone, EZ Rider, Gavel, BOS and a couple of guys from Shelby. Luckily there was a food truck serving coffee to get a bit of caffeine into our systems. Stroganoff pees a few times. The DJ at the start has a ton of energy to fire up a bunch of sleepy runners who are lit-up like McAdenville as they anxiously await their 0530 start. Finally, the countdown hits zero and Whoopee slowly leaves the gate last. He pulls “a Sargento” and quickly collects 3 kills before he’s out of the parking lot and settles in for 5.5 miles. He totals a couple more kills finishing 5th out of 10 in his group but not to worry, he was #1 in the Sexiest Cardiologist of the 10 starters (no word if any of the other 9 were actual doctors, let along cardiologists…we’ll just assume that was fact). JJ was out next for a nice 4 mile run and demolishing 4 runners along the way. Roscoe was generous on this relay as JJ has some tough legs on the upcoming Mortimer. Stroganoff peed twice more during this time. Our third runner was Defib – while the distance of 7 miles was one of the longer routes, it was mostly downhill with a little more than 100 ft of elevation gain. Defib loved this route, picking up 10 kills as daylight increased shedding light to the scenic run. And that is another positive for the D2D relay – it offers some beautiful views of water, creeks, fields, and country roads without a lot of traffic and the course is well marked. Read Seuss’ BB where he said: ‘even he couldn’t get lost.’ Roscoe tags in for 3.8 miles getting 3 kills, one of whom gives him “Double Respect” as he blows by. I guess that was a compliment. Somehow Stroganoff pisses yet again before he goes out for a five miler. Stroganoff knocks off 7 runners which is surprisingly ahead of his total bathroom breaks at this point (note – at this point). Finally, it’s my turn and I await Stroganoff with a water bottle for his efforts which only creates confusion as he attempts to hand me the wristlet that serves as our baton. I lose a few seconds of valuable time in this exchange but finally take off for 3.4 miles. Roscoe was kind to give me the bunny route which is an easy entry point for someone that is curious about these relay events. The 6th runner has two short legs of just over three miles each with little elevation – great for a rookie to try – or if you’re like me, lacking stamina but happy to contribute to the team. I passed a woman and a man walking – I’ll take any kill I can get which gave our team 31 for the first circuit. The early start time and passing of earlier teams pushed our team closer to the front which meant clean bathrooms but more importantly for Roscoe, the long-awaited baked potato at Corinth Lutheran Church. Roscoe was kind enough to buy me a stocked baked potato and made an extra donation to the church’s Men’s group that sponsored the event. And it’s a good thing he did the cash donation because the deposit I made in the bathroom may require a new paint job or a plumber. Stroganoff took advantage of the clean men’s room and peed again. Whoopee rolls to the finish with Metallica blaring on his phone. I honestly didn’t think he had any good music on his list. Whoop said not to worry, good ole George Strait preceded the heavy metal tune. I’m just glad he didn’t throw himself in front of a truck when George was humming a tune in his ear. Whoopee did pick up two more kills (doubtfully when the country music was playing). JJ flies through his 4.7 miles snaring four more kills along the way. Other than a brief encounter with a dog, Defib has another enjoyable run getting one more for his total kills to tally at 11. Roscoe goes out for the lengthiest run of the race at 7.8 but with minimal elevation. He too had a dog encounter but came out unscathed. Anticipating his final run which was the second longest of the race at 7.6, Stroganoff unloads a few more liters of urine. The only time our team was passed during the day occurred during his leg, with a high school kid sprinting faster than Gold Digger on crack. I had plenty of time to stretch and get prepared for the final run which was only 3.3 miles of mostly downhill as the total elevation was 122 feet. My teammates encouraged a change of playlist options from a chill soundtrack to one of hard rock. They were kind enough to plant the seed that the super 4-man team from the GasHouse comprised of Quiche, Sargento, Seuss and Round-up was burning up the course and reminded me of our team’s commitment not to let them pass at any cost – even if our van had to run interference. This mental psyche seeped into my brain, adding adrenaline to the 5-hour energy I chugged. I left in a near sprint for the first half mile. I felt like I was running to catch my heartbeat and stay ahead of my shadow. The short route had some turns which actually benefited the game plan to keep pushing no matter what. Every time I felt my cadence slow down, I reminded myself “don’t let anyone pass you.” Iron Maiden’s Red and Black got me through 13 minutes followed by GodSmack, Rush (Whoopee – you gotta have Rush!), and Van Halen would get me to the finish in a personal best 26:26 good for a 7:55 pace which I’d never run a 5k under 8 minutes. The personal best was only matched by a PB heartrate of 180 for that time period. This is also my first time running the Glory Leg of any race. On past teams, we’d typically join the final runner in crossing the finish line together as a show of our cohesion as a team. Well, to my dismay, I roll into the parking lot focused on the finish line and see my teammates at the end eating hamburgers and drinking. So much for that experience, but at least I was in the team photo, proud to be part of this fun group.

We left Gastonia at 0300 and arrived home at 1800 hours. We were on the course for 8 hours, 33 minutes and 58 seconds – officially the third team across the finish line; good enough for 24th overall out of 102 teams and 7th out of 14 in our division known as the Masters Full Team. At our start time of 0530 time, there were 39 teams that started at the same time or ahead of us. We passed all but one and were only passed by the eventual winners. Some critics like to complain about good football teams playing a weak schedule to which savvy head coaches affirm you can only play those on your schedule. It was an enjoyable day of conversation which is always part of the experience. No, we didn’t solve the Ukraine/Russia conflict – but note if Whoopee were in charge, we’d get a bomb and write Pakistan or Afghanistan on it and send it to Russia – they’d probably never think it was us (Whoopee – don’t lose your day job #SCAFL). Our group ended up with 38 kills and thankfully were not passed by the FRC. We dropped 5 deuces and peed 42 times, led by Stroganoff with a baker’s dozen. So the lesson is we had more pees than kills which is not too bad for a bunch of old guys and JJ.

Team Coconut Horses is off the course