Fitness, Fellowship, Faith

3rd Annual F3 Golf Classic: Official Historian’s Report

  • Post Type:
  • When:
  • AO:
  • QIC: Bananas
  • FNG's:
  • PAX:

Every year, Old Sycamore Golf Club plays host to the one of the most anticipated events of the year, where men from all F3 regions can assemble to determine who has the worst golf fashion sense on the Eastern Seaboard.

Early Bloomer is always the odds on favorite, with a penchant for multiple-logoing like he’s a 14 year old virgin at a Rush concert. This year, however, the title was ripped from his green-gloved hands. Who could possibly have topped him, you ask? Keep reading. More on that later.

First, let’s cover the facts

  • We netted right at $13,000 for LEAP
  • Team Swamp Rabbit Won with the low gross
  • Ringer (FNG Eric Zigglero) won the long drive
  • Longbottom won closest to the pin

Let’s congratulate Swamp Rabbit for again taking the trophy to Greenville. Their performance was dominant, winning not just the low card, but also the Long Drive (Ringer, an FNG), and Closest to the Pin (Longbottom). Longbottom, Ice Man, THE Hard Hat and a ringer FNG rolled in with the low gross at 58.  This sounds impressive.

Unfortunately I’m from Metro so I am going to give you, the reader, a blatantly biased and disparaging account of their win.

Five Reasons Why Swamp Rabbit Won the Trophy for the Second Year in a Row

Donald Trump style, I’m not claiming that any of these things are true. I’m just making it clear to you that I can’t prove that they aren’t true and that you should come to your own conclusions. In no particular order:

  1. Suspected Tour Pro Ringer may have been recruited — and probably paid a hefty sum — to ensure the win
  2. Longbottom may be a known user of PEDs to enhance his grip strength.
  3. Illegal Clubs are a thing.
  4. It’s possible that they threatened to open fire on other 4somes with an AR-15 Ball Launcher.
  5. There may have been suspicious markings on the scorecard.

Again, these are just things I have heard. I’m just sayin’.

Kidding aside, congratulations team Swamp Rabbit for getting it done. The trophy is yours until we can take it from you. It is worth noting that The low net was 34 by the host team of Tiger Rag, Stone Cold, Horsehead and Prohibition.  For the greater good, they abdicated the champions; throne to avoid an insurrection – and possibly because they were threatened at the point of an AR-15 ball launcher.

Search parties were nearly organized

There was some concern as awards were being handed out that Team Core still wasn’t back in the clubhouse. While they claimed that they are our elders and are entitled to take their sweet damned time coming in, I’m told that Rev. Flo-Rida was wandering around the parking lot looking confused and mumbling about someone stealing the engine crank from his car.

That is a terrible outfit. I am not exaggerating.

This year’s winner for terrible sportswear decisionmaking was a Clemson fan, Frehley’s Comet. And that pains me, because I’m a Clemson fan. But for all that is good and right in the world, there can be no excuse for sporting this many paws in one outfit (to include the bag). There are at least 7. I understand that his cartmate went to Furman, but Freyley’s refused to go out onto the course unless he put on an orange shirt, too. #shameful

Sadly, I cannot report that Early Bloomer was even competitive for the worst dressed award. As you can see in the photo below, he swapped out his usual all green attire (left) for a new set of tournament whites (right).

inflatable

Early Bloomer Before and After Rainstorm

 

Wrapping Up

Once again a fine, fine 2nd F gathering put on by Bananas and Area 51. We wrapped up the day with some high quality happy hour beverages thanks to the host course, Old Sycamore, that just does a phenomenal job of hosting charity events. I was please by the OMB and Hoppyum options. I understand that Chelms is partial to the Mic Ultra, while Alf likes to stick to Angry Orchard and/or wine coolers because beer “goes to his head” and “makes him all giddy.” Or something.

The Sponsors

We absolutely couldn’t have pulled this off without some spectacular sponsors. These great partners didn’t just chip in; they made the event more fun.

  • Lunch:  Stone Man Group (Haggis and Mr. Bean)
  • Beverages:  DHG (OBT)
  • C.L. Rabb Corrugated (Package)
  • Water:  Joel Bennett, Real Estate Broker (Slumlord)
  • Charlotte Sports Performance and Rehab.

Check out the rest of the sponsors here:

And for those of you who want to know who that kid was that humiliated you on the Par 3, his name was Alex Campbell. Please don’t egg his house. Thanks to Alex for putting a bunch of old men in their places.

Get a Jump on Next Year

Next Year’s Tournament will move back to April, as the committee believes that’s the time of year Swamp Rabbit is least likely to show up.  Friday, April 7.  Save the date.

1 Comment

  1. Chelms aka Tatertot

    Had to go with Mich Ultra since no wine coolers were to be found. However, I did take Alex down on the Par 3 with a shot to 4 feet. I’m afraid he may come egg my house.

Leave a Reply

© 2021 F3 Gastonia

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑

%d bloggers like this: