Team HRB rides again…Mortimer year four 2023

The Mortimer is part race, part adventure, but 100% Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless (CSAUP).  That is what 112.86 miles and 14,890 feet of elevation gain gets you.  The original TEAM HRB (hill running bitches) is JJ, Defib, Whoopee, Stroganoff, Breaker Breaker, and YHC.  With the exception of year one, we have had to modify the lineup based on the flux.  Year two RADAR stepped for YHC having a stress fracture (obtained training for this event) and Short Sale as a substitute for Whoopee.  Last year Short Sale came as a driver and back up runner.  He ran with YHC on my final leg, we got lost, but not as lost as Whoopee who was gone for hours.  With lost runners and lost time on the clock, the momentum faded and we blew off the final four legs for pizza and beer in Blowing Rock.  The lost momentum could also have had something to do with the blowing snow and 30 mph winds.

This year we needed to add a runner because Defib didn’t feel like he could properly train for the event due to studying for an exam, so Flintstone was asked to join.  As the First F Q and recent Marathon finisher, Flintstone was the perfect choice to join the team but he didn’t HC right away.  He had to think about it.  It didn’t take long for him to say yes and then he asked one of the members, “when do we pick our legs?”.  The answer of course is the Q picks the legs and you deal with it.  Flintstone fell in line and had the task of running slot one….a total of 25 miles.  We needed him!  All the  runner slots for the Mortimer aren’t good, but this year the difference between first and sixth ranked runner was not much different.  It was either hills or miles or a combination of both.  Multiple legs were trail runs and not exactly smooth terrain, but each leg had its own character and beauty.  A couple weeks out YHC texted Defib assuming he would have major FOMO and asked if he would like to come anyway and run or drive to be with HRB.  He took me up on the offer and that was a major boost.  More on that later.  It was very helpful  since I went to the Ortho two weeks ago and upon Flintstone’s advice saw a sports massage therapist who murdered my right hamstring twice in the days leading up to the race.  It was going to be a game time decision as to how many legs these legs had in them and Defib was an insurance policy to finish the race.  This was going to be a classic “Run what you brung” and we decided to HTFU  and finish the thing with Stroganoff making that exact proclamation in the van on the ride up.  Let’s do this.

Speaking of the van, Team HRB would like to thank Stroganoff for the van sponsorship this year.  Cashing in points for the betterment of TEAM HRB is always a great idea and much appreciated as inflation was obviously impacting Enterprise rental prices.  A hi-top van is just how HRB rolls and that is the way it is.

Just like years past, we met at GSM Intergalactic headquarters at 2145 with a departure time of 2215.  We pulled some seats out of the van and loaded her up with drinks, snacks, trash bags, and lots of personal bags and shoes.  Whoopee brought along a sandwich bag with two PB&J burrito with strawberry jelly.  It probably should have been in the cooler since the longer we were gone the more it looked like a bloody taco or other things that are red.  It takes less time to pack with some experience and also because the weather forecast was basically the best one yet.  March in the mountains can be crazy and the forecast called for 68 degrees at the start and about the same for the finish at the top of Howard’s Knob in Boone.

The drive up was fairly uneventful with no stops.  We arrived at LP Frans baseball stadium in Hickory a little before 2300 hours.  YHC picked up our shirts and stickers and gave the Race Committee our signed waivers.  A team from Omaha, Nebraska was parked next to us with several members having run the event last year as well.  The Omaha guys are committed to say the least.  We circled up for a large count off and COT at the beginning.  There was one ruck team and multiple FNG’s to be named.  The nameorama is a highlight.  I must say that Hickory gives out some great nicknames.  Last year’s favorite was “Dookie Finger” and this year “Window Licker” put some smiles on faces.  I think we had 102 total PAX with one two man team.

The bladders were all full as we had been instructed to hydrate well in the days before the race due to the forecasted weather.  Defib was named the Q of pissing since Stroganoff set a record last year with something like 22 over the course of the day.  (In hindsight, Defib really should have been named the weasel shaker of urination.)  Stroganoff started off strong with one just before we left the ballpark.

Flintstone was the first runner out with a large group with a 7.62 miler.  We cheered him on and then took a left out of the ballpark and saw the first hill these runners had to tackle.  It was about a double half pipe.  We moseyed to the next EZ which was a county church.  YHC was runner two and had a hilly 2.25 miler down to the original starting spot at Tater Hole.  The leg was tested right away with a quick first mile and then the sane side slowed me down to a more realistic pace for the second.  YHC moseyed into the EZ and Stroganoff was ready to run his first leg of 5.87 miles.  The moods were good and the spirits high as we ventured into the original 1st EZ in Sawmills.  The guys changed clothes and prepared a fresh water to hand off to Stroganoff when he came in as is Team HRB tradition.  While debating where to take a leak, Flintstone produced this gem…”If you think you have found a good place to piss, somebody else has probably already shit there”.  This wisdom could be his epitaph one day.

JJ was next with a long and lonely 8.94 miler into downtown Lenoir.  At the EZ in the Lenoir, all was quiet and many guys were laid out sleeping in the parking lot and one had a hammock set up.  Team HRB had a few guys catching some shut eye in the van but Breaker had other plans.  We moseyed around looking for a porta john or public restroom since he seemed to be prairie doggin’ it.  He was out of luck as no such relief station was to be found.  He would have to tighten up.

JJ came in quick and handed off to Breaker Breaker who had a seven miler.  Now it was really lonely, as it was the middle of the night.  The weather was still mild and traffic was light.  The EZ is another country church and there were multiple pit stops to the woods by the various members of HRB.  The race was still tight with most teams all converged in this same lot for at least a short time.  Now to go back to the beginning, one of the PAX from another team showed up at the starting line wearing UNC pajama pants and a UNC sweatshirt.  JJ had found his spirit animal.  He was at this EZ with the same gear on.  This guy looked like JJ at the PUB when it is under 25 degrees and he has UNC “cold weather gear” on.

Whoopee was the sixth runner and had a nice easy run to the town of Collettsville.  Whoopee had brand new running shoes that he hadn’t worn yet.  Stroganoff immediately began mocking him for his new shoes.  Whoopee left out of the EZ with lots of confidence in his new shoes but it wasn’t all rosy.  He was looking good when the van passed him but when he emerged we had two problems.  He announced he turned his ankle on the run and there was a massive line of storms coming our way.  This is when Whoopee began taking ibuprofen like scooby snacks.

Just as Flintstone took the handoff for a ten miler it began to rain.  We all moseyed back in the van and Defib drove us to leg 8 deep in the woods.  We parked next to the creek but it was pouring rain with some lightning.    The rain turned to drizzle and even though we had no cell service or internet, I was assuring myself the line of storms had moved on and it was going to be a great day.  Flintstone endured the grueling ten miler with grace and steady pace and declared that the rain wasn’t too bad.  Having driven the road he was running on, it was nasty.  It was in the low 50’s at this point.

Defib and YHC were going to run the infamous leg 8 together.  We prepped and waited and daybreak was coming so other than a bottle of water and a phone, YHC ditched the headlamp before we took off.  Defib and I took off on leg 8 with the immediate 1000 feet of elevation gain.  We were climbing, and climbing, and climbing.  Defib was interested in seeing this leg and the creek crossings and waterfalls.  YHC was happy to have him along and we talked the whole way which made it that much better.  Defib was my swim buddy.  There was a light drizzle for the majority of the run but we were prepared and it didn’t cause any problems and the creek didn’t rise.  The run is basically a rutty, narrow trail hill climb for a couple of miles followed by some technical downhill sections while coming out onto Pineola Road.  Turn left and run Pineola for a mile or mile and a half and then turn right onto Huntfish Falls trail which divebombs downhill with sketchy footing and roots and rocks along the way.  I think we counted five creek crossings to get to the finish.  We only stopped twice for a couple photo ops and some waterfall viewing.  When we emerged at the end of leg 8, Stroganoff had already taken off on the out and back leg 9.  It is only 3.5 miles but it is a similar steep climb and worse, a steep descent which is unreal.  He beasted it and returned looking clean.

The Boone folks were gracious hosts and provided a coffee tent at the EZ.  While Defib and YHC changed clothes and started demolishing bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits that Mrs. Breaker Breaker had prepared for us, Breaker event went and got two hot cups of fresh coffee for us.   TCLAPS TO MRS. BREAKER BREAKER!   The Biscuits were great!

While JJ was climbing out of the gorge on the awful never ending hill of leg 10, we hit the Citgo gas station in beautiful Linville for some more coffee and snacks.  The Citgo bathroom was getting a workout too as this was the first legit bathroom the whole race.  We waited for JJ and seemed to be the last van in the lot.  We were losing ground so it was time to modify some more.
Breaker took off up the first part of the Bear run and we collected JJ and went to wait for Breaker and let Whoopee out to start leg 12.  He was confident in his directions this time as we told him it was basically one turn to the right just after the parkway.

When we were leaving the EZ to follow Whoopee’s route, he called to ask where to turn.  We were approaching him and saw him making the correct adjustment and also we saw the big Mortimer sign with an arrow on it.  Whoopee had a six miler all downhill and it is beautiful but painful.  When he arrived at the church he was singing “Doctor my thighs” instead of “Doctor my eyes” by Jackson Browne.

A lot went on at this EZ.  It is a small church at the bottom of a huge hill.  A local dog was there to greet us, something of a Hound and lab mix.  This dog was rewarded with multiple dog biscuits that I hadn’t needed on the run thus far.  At some point, our van was in the way and a team from Boone were ready to leave and started backing out.  Breaker assumed control of the Sprinter and started slowly backing up our van.  I don’t know what it was like from the inside, but from my vantage point he nearly ran into several mailboxes and almost put the left rear tire in a ditch.  It must have been exciting to be along for that ride, especially for Stroganoff since he rented the thing.

We needed to make up more time so we launched Flintstone up the hill to the infamous “Pilot Ridge Road”.  Basically this road is a horror movie of a hill.  The only saving grace is once you reach the top and turn right onto 221 Flintstone would have you believe it is all downhill.  Actually, we later learned that Flintstone’s pace on this leg was quicker than Stroganoff’s first leg or something like that.  Thank goodness for Flintstone.

We collected Whoopee and said goodbye to the dog and went to the next EZ where by this time it was middle of the day and warm.  Defib wanted to run with me again as my swim buddy and we had a 7 miler with 1000 feet of gain.  The first two miles were paved on 221 and then we hit a trail basically for the rest of the way.  Defib let me set the pace due to my hamstring issues and one mile in the left calf cramped up.  A quick self massage and some water and we were off again.  At least now both legs were jacked up so there was some balance.

This was a very cool run as we hit some unique trails.  The highlight was after a long climb we hit a wooded carriage trail followed by a beautiful meadow that then took us down to Trout Lake.  We emerged at Trout Lake and drank an adult beverage to celebrate our finish.  If you need someone to run with Defib is a great guy to have on your team.  He is always in better shape but is encouraging and you don’t want to let him down.

At Trout Lake there is an out and back leg (leg 15) and then leg 16 launches from the same spot.  There were some folks riding horses around the nearby trails so it was a cool spot to hang out.  Stroganoff was already on his way up to the Fire Tower when we arrived and JJ was itching to take off on leg 16 because he was channeling his inner Whoopee and unsure of his directions and wanted to leave with someone on the other team.  Meanwhile, this clown car beside us asked to “borrow” some beverages and the generous Breaker Breaker acted as a distributor.

Stroganoff was gone for a while on his 8 miler up and back and so several of us moseyed down the trail and awaited his return.  Whoopee blatantly crop dusted Flintstone while he was stretching.  It was a flagrant fragrant foul.

JJ ended up finding his way and was at the EZ waiting for us for probably 25 minutes.  He was paying for his premature evacuation of leg 16 by being at the Catholic Church parking lot during mass.  He probably went in and gave a sermon while he waited.

Breaker took off on leg 17 which runs through Boone but they have greenways that cut under the major roads.  This was a five miler that had him running up what the F3 Boone faithful call “Mount Nickleback”.  The good news is the EZ is just downhill from Booneshine brewery so several of us walked up there to get some bevs straight from the source and replace Breaker’s wheat’s that he had earlier given away.

We launched Whoopee early again on leg 18.  We told him how to get there but you can see Howard’s Knob so we felt good he could make it.  He used Strava to guide his path as cell service was good in Boone.  When we collected Breaker Defib drove us to find Whoopee on his climb and we hoped we could get to the top before he did.  Lo and behold there he was.  Whoopee was walking up the hill and as the van approached he made the hand signal for water.  Defib gave him a bottle and just as he opened the top Defib told Whoopee to RUN!!!

The look on Whoopee’s face turned to rage and that bottle cap flew back into Defib’s face quicker than lightning striking.  We had a good laugh and kept driving to the top of the mountain and awaited Whoopee’s arrival for the unparalleled touching of the rock.

With cameras rolling we watched as his pace quickened up the path to touch the rock and he pivoted and turned around.  What a jokester!  He then pivoted back and grimaced as that was probably an unwise thing to do this far into a race.  He touched the ROCK and was rewarded with a cold drink and after a couple of group photos we needed to shut the park down.  Team HRB decided to make the after party at the River Street Ale house.  Again, the F3 Boone guys were awesome and had part of the tavern reserved for us.  It took a minute to get service but then our waitress, Tanzia, who I guess wasn’t used to the cold (inside joke), was professional and took our orders.  Flintstone ordered a Cheerwine Ale and Tanzia didn’t know they served such a thing.  Flintstone later ordered wings with that special sauce and Tanzia took a liking to him, a fact that wasn’t lost on the rest of our PAX.  You could say she was smitten with him and the rest of us gave him a hard time about it.  There was also something about cole slaw.

JJ’s spirit animal in the UNC garb also showed up at the Ale House so he was satisfied before he got his food.

A few more nuggets that I recall.

It turns out Stroganoff was likely not in the top three of urination as Breaker Breaker had a run going  3 times at two consecutive EZ’s followed by 2 at the next.  That is strong work.  These guys took the hydration advice to the next level.

We headed out for the ride down 321 and Stroganoff drove.  He almost got a cramp in his forearm from grabbing the steering wheel.

Whoopee shared some medical information somewhere along the way without requiring a copay.  Breaker was complaining about that uncomfortable moment when you think you have to BM but it is just gas.  The medical term is Tenesmus.  “Tenesmus is the feeling that you need to pass stools, even though your bowels are already empty.  It may involve straining, pain, and cramping.”
Somehow we also talked about Whoopee going balls deep in a Klondike bar when he got home.

The second bloody PBJ Burrito was looking really gross at the end and there were lots of inappropriate and nauseating remarks made about it.  Whoopee should have put it in the cooler.

You are never prepared for the Mortimer but like most CSAUP’s the training and camaraderie is already happening months before the race.  The Half Pipe and Crowders run’s and EC runs all add up to build up the base you need to tackle this one.

Next year’s race will be March 9th and it is time to start training for Mortimer year five.  We all have to HTFU at times. It may take Stroganoff that long to decide if he wants to run another one but I think I will go ahead and register TEAM HRB for one more year.    After all, it is TEAM HRB…….4 Life!