This isn’t really the ballad of Phat Ricky, our former Nantan and current Q of Service, Freight, aka Phat Ricky and various other monikers. Freight was our Q for the sophomore run of The Bourbon Chase but I needed something catchy for the title of Van 1’s epic adventure and so that leads us into todays episode which began months ago. The lineup underwent several changes due to injuries and various other maladies. Our captain continued to recruit alternates as guys dropped out of the event. Once again, a driver subbed for a runner on the third leg, but that was Van 2 and they have their own story to tell. If we’re being honest, concerning Van 1 to quote the great Ricky Bobby: “Here’s the deal, I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.” There is a reason for this homage and it’s not because of the Wednesday morning AO (Sargento declined to participate in this epic event anyway). No, these tributes came because of the creativity of our driver – Big Pappy. At the P200, Big Pappy shows for duty in a formal tux with top hat. How can you top that? Big Pappy recruits Van 2 Driver Pockets into the gig. Not only does Pappy put on the Cal Naughton, Jr. racing suit, but he shaves his gray duck dynasty like beard into a horseshoe style and then colors the gray. At 0615 when I saw him in the lobby of the hotel, I did a double-take to ensure it was in fact Pappy. It’s been said many times before, but no relay is successful without the van driver. They are the literal driving force for the team. It takes a servant heart to do this job and that certainly fits Big Pappy as we’ve all come to know. Going into character just added flair to the event. How so you ask? My only comparison is being in Times Square in NYC where there are many dressed in various costumes, roaming the sidewalks and closed off streets. Maybe you’re like me where my young kids asked to get their picture made with some characters (Mickey and Minnie or maybe it was a Seseme Street costume, doesn’t matter). As I walked away, I was accosted by an outstretched arm requesting some contribution for their “fame.” For the weekend, either alone but especially when together, race participants flocked to Ricky and Cal for photos. Even the race organizers requested photos with our guys. Even for those not requesting photos, movie quotes would get yelled at them as they walked by. We all appreciated Pappy and Pockets efforts but both were glad to finally get out of the suits after wearing for more than 30 hours.
All the participants agreed upgrading to the Mercedes luxury passenger van would be preferred, especially for the lengthy trip to Bardstown, KY. Learning from past mistakes, we opted not for the General Shelton Inn and their bedbugs but probably the largest Hampton Inn ever constructed. The trip from the front desk to our room was about as long as my 3rd leg but they did have some free breakfast included. Van 1 went with the following order of runners: Flintstone, Boudin, Oompa Loompa, Short Sale, Broke, and Freight. One of the allures of the Bourbon Chase are the distilleries which serve as exchange zones but for the 2021, most were unavailable. So the legs changed quite a bit as the Ragnar organizers searched for new exchange zones in the first part of the race. The good news was most of the 9 mile routes Van 1 was to have were reduced, all except Freights, more on that in a minute.
At 0730 on a pleasant but dark morning, Flintstone lined up with about 20 or so others at the starting line. The gun sounded and Boudin asked our virgin starter for a fist bump to start the race. As such, Flintstone was last off the starting line but this was oh so brief as he quickly picked up steam and 3.5 miles later arrived at the first exchange having collected 19 kills. In relay racing lingo we call this “a Sargento” as it is a sneaky tactic to collect the running currency. Boudin began the course in daylight with 4.4 miles. On his entry form, he put his pace at 9:00 but he blistered his route with a 7:45/mile pace. In running lingo we call this “a Broke.” Oompa ran by our hotel getting some brief cheers from Van 2 and then strolled into Bardstown in just 3.1 miles. Next was yours truly for 3.7 miles through a neighborhood and then by Heaven Hill Distillery (Elijah Craig, Larceny, Old Fitzgerald, Henry McKenna) where the distillery was closed because the workers were picketing. The nice thing was they were cheering us on and so we reciprocated with a “good luck” or “give ’em hell” reply. Broke was next with the baton taking off for 8.3 miles of elevation. A few miles in it began to rain but thankfully it wasn’t too cold. The EZ was at an small general store in Manton, KY which this EZ is the equivalent of Spencer Mountain Baptist Church – kind of quaint. Boudin and I talked to some of the locals and got some coffee. As we gathered at the start getting Freight fired up, we noticed one of the female runners that would be joining Freight on the longest leg in relay race history. You know our drivers dressed as the baddest race car drivers in motion picture history. Well, the theme of this year’s Bourbon Chase was “Where’s Waldo.” Non-F3 Relay Runners tend to be a little wacky so plenty of people portrayed the lost character with red/white striped shirts, toboggan, and black-rimmed round glasses. This chick running with Freight had to find a Triple-X red/white stripped shirt, why is that significant you wonder? It was that size to contain two of the largest marvels of the world. This poor girl was starting off with two handicaps. Luckily she had a number of friends in her van that could help her tie her shoes. So with two wind-bags pushing her along, she did quite well. It certainly was enjoyable to watch her bounce across the finish line. But she didn’t do as well as our boy Freight. When these legs came out, there was never a doubt our Gorge Runner was taking this on as a challenge. Surprisingly, he’s never run a half marathon, though he’s rode a full marathon on a bike with only one pedal – go figure? This challenging leg not only was long but had over 1000 feet of elevation gain, with 200 of it on one hill after the 2nd mile. Oh, did I mention it was a steady rain for his entire run? Yeah it was – it sucked worse than an SA beatdown, but hey – Freight wouldn’t want it any other way (#toughasnails). So for all you fleet footed guys in our region (I’m talking PM, GD, Q, Defib and even Seuss), Freight has the belt for the longest relay run – y’all feel free to pry it out of his hands.
Van 1 was out and drove 20 or so miles west to downtown Danville, KY. Kind of reminds me of Mount Holly. Having collected 80 kills we were among the first groups to arrive which was great because we were the third group to arrive at Bluegrass Pizza and Pub. Like everyone in KY, they were a bit short staffed. The manager asked us if we wanted a job but we had business to take care of. So we all ordered food and a few of us got some beers as a treat for our first leg. I was the odd one that ordered a pizza in a pizza place. I was also the dumb one as they forgot to place my order, so after everyone finished eating, they brought my pizza but it was free, so I guess that was a bonus. We all went to the van and tried to rest, which is hard late in the afternoon. Broke grabbed his sleeping mat and attempted to sleep despite the drizzle rain drops. Flintstone had plenty of warm-up time and finally Leppard moseyed in and we were back on. If you see the map, we basically ran about 15 miles south and looped 15 or so miles back to Danville. Flintstone and Boudin had some natural daylight and then it turned dark on Oompa. One of the things we learned about finishing early is one team got put in the penalty box for 2 hours because they beat the exchange zone volunteers. We discussed intentionally slowing down so not to encounter that problem. I was just the man to accept that challenge. I began my 6.6 night run at a 9:45 pace – wow – a little slower than I thought. I definitely complied with the plan eventually making it to Broke for his short 4.5 run. Of course he burned it up, what was that plan about slowing down? Don’t ever tell Broke to go slow. Freight had the same 4.5 length which was a welcome to his legs after the epic near half marathon. No sign of bouncy Waldo on that leg. Van 1 finished up and we traveled to Anderson County High School where the Athletic Booster Club, fresh off a 56-0 loss to Boyle County brought left over hamburgers and hotdogs, chips and drinks for all of us hungry runners to purchase. Kidding about the food, they grilled it for us. They also opened their gym and for $20 per van, we could all “sleep” in the gym. Not Boudin though. He doesn’t sleep on relays, so he moseyed around the parking lot. Pappy played night watchman and slept in the captain’s chair. I think Oompa was in the van. The rest of us found a spot in the dark gym and tried to rest our eyes. This is about like sleeping on a plane but to my surprise, according to my watch, I got over two hours. I guess exhaustion takes over at some point. We set our alarms for 2:15 am to get ready for the final part. Little did we know the final cell of rain had some lightening that paused the race – all except Termite that powered through. But there was some delay for Sarlaac to begin and that pushed us back. We were awake by that point so not much we could really do but shoot the breeze. Finally Flintstone went for his longest run of 7.3 miles. We traveled to the smallest EZ created where we had to squeeze onto a gravel road in single file. This became a problem because of the storm that bottle-necked the race. Boudin had his most difficult leg of 8 miles that he handled with ease. Oompa’s final run was his shortest at 2.6 handing off to me for the shortest leg of 2.2 on a relatively flat course into the town of Versailles. Gold Digger or Pizza Man might have been able to beat the van to the EZ and I gave it a great effort running my best splits of the event. I did have one jack-ass cut off about a mile of the shortest leg – in Van 1 we call that being a pussy. Broke had his longest at 8.5 miles which he was excited because it went by Woodford Distillery. Unfortunately it wasn’t open, but he enjoyed the rolling hills of horse country as daylight broke (no pun intended). Last was Freight for his shortest run of 3.8 but unfortunately it was straight up a small mountain about the cup size of bouncy Waldo (really 350 feet elevation). But as we said, he’s tough one and he finished out our morning completing our race.
Van 1 finished with 160 kills – yes, you should be impressed. Now we did learn on the way home that Oompa had a few runners that he killed, got killed by them, killed them one more time only to be killed (or something like that). So we may need to petition The Committee for an official ruling on re-counting kills. Flintstone led the way with 37 followed by Boudin with 31. YHC had 26 with the last three of Broke, Freight and Oompa with 22 each (see first statement if Oompa’s fully count). Obviously with a longer drive of 8-ish hours to the race and 7-ish hours home plus the time between, we learned a few things about each other – you always do – which if you’ve never done one of these, you better find a team. Hopefully 2022 will offer the full slate of Malaks or Ragnars. For male camaraderie, you can’t beat it. You put in the time (training) but then you get to test it and through shared suffering, know that you did your part to advance the baton. Pretty much the essence of F3. Here are some highlights from conversation and notes:
- On the way to Bardstown, a temporary light in the town of Danville was so slow, stacking traffic up for miles. It prompted Freight to say: “I’ve been to 2 Worlds Fairs and seen lesbian goats screw, but never have I seen a light take this long…”
- Broke and Freight recounted Sister Act’s story of having his M give him an enema. Freight said it spoiled any chance of child birth because SA’s M was his nurse for Carly. Feel free to ask SA about it but word to the wise – don’t do it when beginning a 10 mile training run.
- Oompa sees a skinny lady runner on the course: “My titties are bigger than hers, and mine jiggle too.”
- “I’m gonna send them a strongly worded text!” – said by several of us as a punchline throughout the event
- On Broke’s final run, he got killed at the finish line by a guy with no legs…he was in an arm pedal wheel chair that was going 40 mph at the time.
- We finished the race at 1 pm and the band/bourbon tasting wasn’t scheduled to begin until 4 pm – only bourbon we drank was courtesy of Pappy and Pockets.
- Broke and Flintstone’s sleep in the gym was interrupted by a guy coughing, farting and whistling
- Boudin loves zombies – part of why he doesn’t sleep on these things apparently. After hearing some zombie stories about the Living Dead, Oompa recalls his route goes by a graveyard.
- We all had our share of Covid tests – which was any fart contained in the van (that’s one of those you had to be there to get the timing and the effect – delirium helps).
- Pappy used Just For Men to color his mustache to look more like his character
- Trying to get some guys to tell me their favorite parts of the weekend. Some are direct quotes and others I made up (you figure which is which):
- Boudin – not sleeping, avoiding zombies
- Broke – doing shots on the ride
- Flintstone – Pappy & Pockets, greeting our runners at the EZ, Leg 25 and the crappy 25 EZ, the second F and the meals together
- Oompa – Pappy driving and camaraderie
- Freight – seeing the finish line after 12.2 miles
- Short Sale – not having to navigate one moment of the trip
Apologize for the delayed post and the length. No moleskin necessary. Hopefully the next time we tackle the Bourbon Chase, life is normal and we get the experience of the distilleries as EZ’s like we had in 2018. The mercedes vans are worth the money. And Lord willing Pappy will drive us and we’ll see what character/costume he breaks out next.
Van 1 is off the course. (Finished 119 out of 323 in 29 hours, 35 minutes; All men: 27/53)
Short Sale
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