Disclaimer-there will be things that don’t make sense but if you know you know and if you don’t you better ask somebody.
Alright stop whatcha doin cause I’m about to ruin
I hit Sparky’s driveway about 2:20am in a black van. I was picking him up as most of us were meeting at his family’s cabinet shop. A quick text to make sure everyone was awake. He responded with a picture of Madden’s truck crashed all down the side and said “I’ve not been to sleep”. I found this to be odd because I knew I was parked right beside that truck and it seemed fine. Look to the left….oh heck! I guess I’m not very aware that time of the day. Luckily Madden was ok. Everyone else got loaded up as we waited for Short Sale. He had mentioned he may just meet us in Gastonia but never gave us a location. I called to see what he was doing and he said he was riding around trying to find a place and that we should come on. Come on where? You don’t know where you are going! We ended up meeting him at a shady motel. I’m not sure if he had been there all night or if any ladies of the night were involved or what. Down the highway in the black van we went.
I look funny, but, yo, I’m makin’ money, see
Sparky lead us off with a blistering sub 8 6.7 mile run. 7 minutes of rowing is all a man needs to stay hard. MFer’s. I took off on the longest leg of 10.5 mies. I decided about 1.5 in that 10.5 wasn’t enough. I mean we all like a good round number right? So I ran about a 1/4 mile out of the way turned around and ran back to get on course. A perfect 11 miles when I reached the cexcahnge. Of course I didn’t account for Strava taxation! Blart hit his shortest leg but doesn’t remeber any of it due to his Coke zero habit. If you’re not aware it cuases old timers. Gearwrench then went out hot with a record setting sub 8 4.5 mile run! By this point it was starting to get warm. Just the way Leppard likes it. 7.6 miles of misery and sweat were next. Short Sale had 6.3 mile in the heat as well. Just the other day it was 27 degs and now we are running in the 80’s! We handed off to Van 2 who would take on the heat of the day not once but twice! Stay Hard MFer’s!
I drink up all the Hennessey ya got on ya shelf
We hit up Lonestar BBQ just outside of Santee, SC. It’s delicious! Even the suspect hash. It’ll keep you ready in case if you ever need to do a turd transplant. We tried to get some rest at the park beside the lake but I don’t think anyone got much. Maybe Short Sale who can sleep on the hardest of surfaces, picnic tables and concrete sidewalks. At the park we discovered the ugly duck at Folsom is called a Gherken. It’s actually a duck, chicken, and a possum mixed. It’s the only place in the world they exist. Some say they come from the depths of the twin lakes of Gherki. It’s also reported you can be in their favor if you wash in the waters of the lakes. Do this at your own risk as it may cause you to need that turd transplant and/or cause old timers. This may be where Coke Zero comes from. If you are not in their favor be careful because you cannot hear them coming. Their sound is so high pitched that human ears can’t hear them. Wiki came rolling in from his first relay leg ever and it was time to get back in the black van and hit the road.
Yo, ladies, oh, how I like to funk thee
It was still a little toasty out but that didn’t stop Sparky from another sub 8 run. Do you have some grey down below? Try just for men. My next run of 5.5 was about as hard as the 11 I ran that morning. Sun and wind in my face the whole time. Some of the other guys had it a little worse though as they had longer legs. Blart crushed an 8.8, Gearwrench a 7.4, Leppard ran a respectable 2.4, and Shortsale with the 2nd longest leg of 9.68. Those are tough legs for your 2nd leg! At this point everyone is getting tired and hungry. It’s dark and late. This is also when you start to notice the cheaters. The ones that swap runners out on the longer legs. Hate to see it! Some people just can’t stay hard MFer’s. From the best we can tell with all of the DQ’s we actually won the whole thing!
Uh, yo fat girl, come here, are ya ticklish?
After we handed off to van 2 in the middle of nowhere we headed through Monk’s Corner to hit the Wendy’s, which is pretty much the only thing open in the middle of the night there. We decided we’d order the same thing to make it easier so we got 6-4 for $4’s and whatever Sparky wanted. Most of us were half way through our burgers when Gearwrench crumpled his bag up and got out of the van. He had mowed through a burger, fries, and nuggets in the time a normal man eats half a burger! His intestines have to do a lot of work to break that unchewed food down. We didn’t get a lot of rest at the next exchange either. I’ll admit I was a bit grumpy and was not feeling this carp anymore but we gotta stay hard MFer’s. Back in the black van and we are off!
Big like a pickle, I’m still gettin’ paid
Sparky paddle his douche alliance canoe once again for his shortest run. I followed up with my shortest run chasing down a couple of Judy’s I didn’t think I had a chance to catch. I didn’t think I was going to make it though. I was in prime turd tranplant mode the whole way. Blart and Gearwrench still had some long ones to go. They drew the short straw on those legs. I blame the organizer. Blart still had a 7.5 miler and Gearwrench had a 8 miler. The suck was real and embraced by both. Speaking of suck, around this point the bugs came out as the sun came up and it was insane! they swarmed the van and bit the piss out of us. Terrible. Luckily as we got in to town they subsided. Gearwrench ran a good leg even though it was getting hot and he got got killed by a guy in a tutu. Leppard got to finish up in a wind tunnel for 4.5 and Shortsale finally caught a bit of a break with a 3.5 mile leg. Good luck van 2 and stay hard MFer’s. We hit the road in the black van looking for something good to eat.
I’m the one who said, “Just grab ’em in the biscuits”
Speaking of biscuits we tried to hit up a place called Viscious biscuit but the line was out the door. We thought about hitting the beach for some cold water therapy so we headed back in that direction to another place called Acme Low Country Kitchen. People were tired and hungry. A little impatient and a bit testy. I don’t do well with people like that so I took my shoes off and offered up the fight. You know it’s real when the shoes come off. No takers. Stay soft MFer’s. Once we got some food everyone’s mood shifted right side up. It was delicious! We decided to skip the beach to avoid the rush and hit up Holy City brewing about a block from the finish. We almost got kicked out for not having a kid with us. If your ever down that way it’s a pretty sweet spot to hang out though. Sparky may be reading this from rehab after discovering hard soda. Stay hard MFer.
Shakin’ and twitchin’ kinda like I was smokin’
I could tell more but I’m gonna leave it here. I will say no curbs were harmed during this adventure. Thank you Ash Pond for your driving! After it was all said and done it all, like it always does, comes back to Nacho Libre.
Do the Humpty Hump (uh), do the Humpty Hump
(Oh, oh, oh, oh, do me, baby)